Kings and Pawns

David and Attendant are about to enter the big throne room from a small adjoining room. Nathan is conversing with Mephibosheth, who is sitting at a table in the throne room eating soup. Soldiers are in the big throne room as well, engrossed in their own conversations.

DAVID: (To attendant only) I cannot allow her to get stoned, which is sure to happen if Uriah gets wind that the baby she is carrying is…

ATTENDANT: Not kosher.

DAVID: Yeah, not his. Showtime ….

David and attendant enter throne room. David sits on throne. Attendant stands at his side.

ATTENDANT:  All hail King David, who has slain tens of thousands of Philistines.

SOLDIERS: All hail!

NATHAN: As an instrument of God’s will.

ATTENDANT: I was getting to that — (Less enthusiastically) as an instrument of God’s will.

SOLDIERS: (Even less enthusiastically) Yeah, yeah, yeah — instrument of God’s will.

ATTENDANT: However, we’re not at war with the Philistines anymore…

DAVID: I think they all know that now. (To soldiers, primarily) Right? Everyone knows to lay off the Philistines….right? Let’s not cast the first stone.

SOLDIERS: (Unenthusiastically) Yes, King David.

ATTENDANT: We’re at war with the Ammonites so give a BIG welcome to today’s hero, Uriah, the …

MEPHIBOSHETH: (Interrupting) There’s no Israelite named Uriah!

ATTENDANT: If you’d let me finish … Uriah, the Hittite.

MEPHIBOSHETH: But aren’t we also fighting them? (Looks at Nathan, who shakes his head “no”)

ATTENDANT: Look, Mephibosheth, if you’d get out a little more, you’d know these things. All you do is sit at the king’s table. Uriah is on our side…

NATHAN: He’s on the side of God.

ATTENDANT: You never let that go, Nathan. And the side of God. He’s taken the fight to the Ammonite.     (Rapping) What he has done is dynamite. Destroys soldiers to the left and soldiers to the right.

NATHAN: (Getting into the rap a bit) The Lord shows His strength and all His might.

ATTENDANT: (Really getting into it and rapping with Nathan) Ammonites tremble in fear at his sight. Sure glad he answered yes to our invite.

NATHAN: (Also really getting into it now) The Lord is the way and the truth and the light!

MEPHIBOSHETH: (Trying to take part) He throws rocks all day and can party every night.

ATTENDANT: (Screeching halt) What? What the flock are you talking about, Mephibosheth? He doesn’t party out there — he’s very dedicated. This is his first vacation in months.

MEPHIBOSHETH: Sorry, I just was trying to join in the celebration.

ATTENDANT: Just finish your soup. As a rule, Hittites are uptight.

DAVID: And out of sight of the enemy. They make great warriors.

ATTENDANT: Anyway, here he is — the man…

NATHAN: (Interrupting) With God’s help

ATTENDANT: Yes, with God’s help, the man of the hour. He’s got the power….

NATHAN: God has the power

ATTENDANT: (Irritated with Nathan) Well, we can’t really give Him (Points upwards) a medal, can we? We need a hero.

NATHAN: A hero is one thing. We don’t need an idol, Billy.

ATTENDANT: It’s “Belinda”, Nate. I don’t interfere with your job. (Dramatic introduction to court) You know that I would be untrue. You know that I would be a liar if I were to say to you “We can win without Uriah.” So here is our soldier who is on fire…. Uriah!!

Uriah strides in very proudly, fully expecting the hero’s welcome and gets it with lots of cheering.

URIAH: God’s help? I didn’t see your God swinging any sword out there on the battlefield. I didn’t see him (Uses air quotes) “put confusion in the enemy,” or even send down locusts. No, it was all me!

DAVID: You still have to give God the glory. He gave you your strength and abilities.

URIAH: What a bunch of hogwash.

MEPHIBOSHETH: You really aren’t from around here — we don’t wash our hogs — they’re born unclean. It’d be a complete waste of time.

URIAH: You’ve got so many rules, you’d need a BOOK to keep track of ’em.

MEPHIBOSHETH: (Confident b/c he has David’s protection) We’re not gonna water ’em down just because you’re here.

DAVID: I think that’s just an expression the Hittites use, Mephibosheth. Uriah, around here we give God the glory for all our victories. And our wonderful land.

SOLDIERS: Glory to God! He has provided us wonderful land.

URIAH: (Sarcastically) Love what you’ve done with the place. Wasn’t it supposed to filled with milk and money?     All I see is lot of desert and carcasses.

MEPHIBOSHETH: It’s not “money.” It’s “honey!”

URIAH: (Incredulously) Honey?

DAVID: Honey.

URIAH: (Sarcastic) Honey. How you thrill me. Uh, huh… I don’t see any of that around here either.

DAVID: Uh, yeah — we kind of blew that. Didn’t follow God’s instructions to the letter — made deals with evil people, took trinkets we weren’t supposed to. And in the entire history of man, I doubt we’ll ever see such poor judicial decisions. Then we got a lunatic for a King, now it’s me and I guess you’re up to speed. God saved me from certain defeat many times so I give him all the glory for victories.

SOLDIERS: Glory to God for the victories.

NATHAN: Well-stated, David.

URIAH: God could’ve at least dammed their water supply.

NATHAN: Careful with the language, Uriah.

URIAH: I mean “dam” as in stop up, not “damn” as in curse, you pious self-righteous ass. Oh, and this time, I don’t mean donkey. Though we could use a few more of them at the front for transporting supplies.    (Mockingly) Maybe your god could get on that.