Christmas in Montana
15 minutes
1 M/2F/1 M or F Max 4/Min 4
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AT RISE: An older boy, HANK, enters first. He puts a log in the potbelly stove. Shortly thereafter, we hear a hand-held school bell rung off stage. Because of the bitter cold, only two more students come to school this day. They are dressed warmly for the bitter cold. The boys wear cowboy hats and boots. They sit, after hanging their layered outer clothing on various hooks on one wall. The youngest child, SWEET PEA, sits in a seat on the left, HANK in the middle, and the only girl, CYNTHIA, in a row on the right. As soon as the teacher, MISS RUGAMYER, enters the room, SWEET PEA and CYNTHIA sit fully upright and facing ahead, with their hands neatly folded on their desks.
MISS RUGAMYER: (her Brooklyn accent is immediately obvious to the class) Cold, cold…cold! Brrrrrrrr. It must be below zero out there.
HANK: Twenty-two below, to be exact.
MISS RUGAMYER: (warming her hands by the stove) This is even worse than New York, (NooYawk) Does it stay this cold very long in Montana?
CYNTHIA: It usually doesn’t get this cold until mid January.
SWEET PEA: Last year it hit forty below on our ranch.
MISS RUGAMYER: Oh my! That IS cold. Good morning, class. I think we can get started. It looks as though you’re the only students to show up for school today. Normally, there are a…let’s see…(she looks at the roster on her desk)
HANK: There’s usually ten of us, more or less. Our family never gets to miss school, on a count a our father is Road Commissioner.
MISS RUGAMYER: You’re all related?
HANK: Unfortunately yes. These here are my tweerpy brother and ugly sister.
(When the teacher turns to write her name on the blackboard, HANK sticks his tongue out at CYNTHIA, who in turn does it back to him.)
MISS RUGAMYER: I’m Miss Rugamyer. As you know, I’m your new teacher, at least for the next eight weeks. Mrs. Merker-Chavez, just had her baby, so I’ll be substituting for her. Does anyone happen to know the baby’s name?
(SWEET PEA raises his hand.)
And you are…?
SWEET PEA: I’m Sweet Pea, ma’am.
MISS RUGAMYER: Sweet Pea is your real name?
SWEET PEA: My real name is Francis.
HANK: (breaking in immediately) Ah, hah! (teasing) Francis is a girl’s name! Francis is a girl’s name!
SWEET PEA: Shut up, GULLiver! GULLiver!
HANK: Girl’s name, girl’s name!
SWEET PEA AND CYNTHIA: GULLiver! GULLiver!
MISS RUGAMYER: All right. All right! Settle down! We’re going to have only a few rules in this class, but the most important rule is that I expect all of you to show respect to me and to one another, and that means not making fun of each other. Is that understood?
HANK, SWEET PEA AND CYNTHIA: Yes, sorry. Excuse us, ma’am.
Students in a small one-room school try to sing Christmas carols in their classroom. Quickly, one of the students interrupts the singing with a thought about political correctness. Mayhem breaks out, with hilarious results, as they try to change the lyrics of the traditional Christmas songs to match contemporary standards.
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Play Details
AT RISE: An older boy, HANK, enters first. He puts a log in the potbelly stove. Shortly thereafter, we hear a hand-held school bell rung off stage. Because of the bitter cold, only two more students come to school this day. They are dressed warmly for the bitter cold. The boys wear cowboy hats and boots. They sit, after hanging their layered outer clothing on various hooks on one wall. The youngest child, SWEET PEA, sits in a seat on the left, HANK in the middle, and the only girl, CYNTHIA, in a row on the right. As soon as the teacher, MISS RUGAMYER, enters the room, SWEET PEA and CYNTHIA sit fully upright and facing ahead, with their hands neatly folded on their desks.
MISS RUGAMYER: (her Brooklyn accent is immediately obvious to the class) Cold, cold…cold! Brrrrrrrr. It must be below zero out there.
HANK: Twenty-two below, to be exact.
MISS RUGAMYER: (warming her hands by the stove) This is even worse than New York, (NooYawk) Does it stay this cold very long in Montana?
CYNTHIA: It usually doesn’t get this cold until mid January.
SWEET PEA: Last year it hit forty below on our ranch.
MISS RUGAMYER: Oh my! That IS cold. Good morning, class. I think we can get started. It looks as though you’re the only students to show up for school today. Normally, there are a…let’s see…(she looks at the roster on her desk)
HANK: There’s usually ten of us, more or less. Our family never gets to miss school, on a count a our father is Road Commissioner.
MISS RUGAMYER: You’re all related?
HANK: Unfortunately yes. These here are my tweerpy brother and ugly sister.
(When the teacher turns to write her name on the blackboard, HANK sticks his tongue out at CYNTHIA, who in turn does it back to him.)
MISS RUGAMYER: I’m Miss Rugamyer. As you know, I’m your new teacher, at least for the next eight weeks. Mrs. Merker-Chavez, just had her baby, so I’ll be substituting for her. Does anyone happen to know the baby’s name?
(SWEET PEA raises his hand.)
And you are…?
SWEET PEA: I’m Sweet Pea, ma’am.
MISS RUGAMYER: Sweet Pea is your real name?
SWEET PEA: My real name is Francis.
HANK: (breaking in immediately) Ah, hah! (teasing) Francis is a girl’s name! Francis is a girl’s name!
SWEET PEA: Shut up, GULLiver! GULLiver!
HANK: Girl’s name, girl’s name!
SWEET PEA AND CYNTHIA: GULLiver! GULLiver!
MISS RUGAMYER: All right. All right! Settle down! We’re going to have only a few rules in this class, but the most important rule is that I expect all of you to show respect to me and to one another, and that means not making fun of each other. Is that understood?
HANK, SWEET PEA AND CYNTHIA: Yes, sorry. Excuse us, ma’am.